


You Know That I'm Not That Strong

by Groovyviewbie



Series: I Feel Like I Win When I Lose [1]
Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: ABBA inspired, Jared Drinks Blueberry Mojitos and Gets a Hug, M/M, Rated T for canon compliant language, Season/Series 4, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 06:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26468842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Groovyviewbie/pseuds/Groovyviewbie
Summary: Being too devoted had always been his issue. He was certain devotion had been the reason for his parent’s dismissal of him, that even as a baby he had shown too much worry, too much to handle. In the foster system his devotion had scared away perfectly pleasant families. Even at Hooli he’d found himself devoted to Gavin’s vision, becoming ruthless in his handling of business to impress his leader. Richard had been different. Jared had been devoted for all of the right reasons. Pied Piper was going to change the world, just now it would have to be without him.Or: What Jared did after being dismissed from Pied Piper in the Season 4 Finale.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Series: I Feel Like I Win When I Lose [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924216
Kudos: 16





	You Know That I'm Not That Strong

**Author's Note:**

> After spending the last few weeks binging the show and blasting the Mamma Mia soundtrack at work, this collection of fics kind of just came to me. This is my first work in this fandom and first time posting on AO3 so any feedback appreciated, or if tags need adding let me know. Title from the song Mamma Mia by ABBA.

Jared found himself hesitating on the edge of the driveway, phone clutched in his hands ready to order a Lyft. He typed in the address of his condo but found himself erasing it instantly. If he went home right now, he knew he’d end up overthinking things, probably cry for the rest of the night as Richard’s words echoed in his mind. _Just stop with the second guessing, hand wringing pearl clutching bullshit._

Being too devoted had always been his issue. He was certain devotion had been the reason for his parent’s dismissal of him, that even as a baby he had shown too much worry, too much to handle. In the foster system his devotion had scared away perfectly pleasant families, leaving him as the scraps nobody really wanted. Even at Hooli he’d found himself devoted to Gavin’s vision, becoming ruthless in his handling of business to impress his leader. Richard had been different. Jared had been devoted for all of the right reasons. Pied Piper was going to change the world, just now it would have to be without him. His devotion had finally run its course.

He knew he should have fought Richard when he had insisted on him working his notice. Deep down he knew why he couldn’t. He had literally written the handbook on such matters. Even if he had thought of some way, he couldn’t leave the good ship Pied Piper. Especially not when Richard had read the handbook Jared had worked so hard to perfect. A saving grace in the spiral Richard was falling down. Richard had, at one-point, devoted time to one of the few things Jared had contributed. Deep down, he was certain Richard was still the man he’d left Gavin Belson for, that he was still salvageable from whatever he was becoming. That belief was the very reason that he’d drafted up an application form that morning. His childhood hadn’t allowed him to be a scout, but he took their moto on board regardless. Be prepared.

“Besides he was being a fucking asshole.” Richard’s voice carried around the empty street, clearly not aware Jared was still within earshot. Or maybe he was aware which successfully served to hurt Jared more. Without a thought, he typed in the address of his third favourite bar, not feeling deserving of his favourite bar, or even second favourite, right now.

It took one drink before a beautiful blonde woman sat on the stool beside him, her hand resting on his elbow. It usually didn’t happen this quickly, a sign perhaps at how pathetic he truly looked right now. Tears welling in his eyes, clutching his glass a little too hard, checking his phone every few seconds for an update from Richard, or even less likely, an apology. He was reminded of the words of his seventh-grade theatre teacher. ‘ _You’ll never be a convincing Mercutio with those pathetic eyes Donald.’_

“Why so sad sweetie? A cute guy like you shouldn’t be drinking alone. Why don’t you join us over there?” The woman's slight southern lilt was music to Jared's ears as she gestured over to a booth in the corner where her friends were sitting, three equally beautiful women, waving him over. Company might not be the worst idea right now. Even so, Jared’s usual politeness prioritised itself.

“Oh no. I couldn’t possibly intrude.” He shook his head, blinking back the tears as best he could. “Besides, I won’t be very good company tonight I’m afraid.”

“Don’t be silly we wouldn’t invite you over if you’d be intruding now would we? And you can’t be worse than Cara. Between me and you she’s going through a break up too. I’m Olivia by the way.” Olivia hooked her arm around his as she spoke, tugging at his arm so he had no choice but to join them.

Jared offered up a soft smile, letting Olivia drag him over to her friends. “It is lovely to meet you Olivia, I’m Donald. Thank you for letting me join you, it’s been a heck of a night.” He slid into the booth beside her, listening closely to their introductions. He was ready to listen as they spoke between themselves, offering all of his attention their way. They, however, seemed to have different ideas.

“So who hurt you Donnie?” Olivia rested her hand onto his arm, fingers running deftly up and down in a comforting gesture. Partnered with her soft tone and the nickname, Jared felt comfortable enough to spill his guts about everything. From a brief explanation of his childhood, to Hooli, right up to joining Richard and Pied Piper. A man he trusted who had betrayed his trust one too many times.

The girls all listened, ordering another round of blueberry mojitos for the table when Jared told a particularly harrowing tale about a Ziploc bag with a drawn-on smile. Jared reluctantly obliged in drinking, insisting he pay when the waitress announced the bar was closing. He may not have tremendous savings, but he was comfortable enough to be able to splurge this once.

“Well Donnie, this Richard sounds like a real asshole.” Olivia and her brunette friend, Amy he believed, followed him into a Lyft, both adamant on continuing this night at his condo. He had had the sense to sip water between drinks, remaining as sober as possible despite the delightfully fruity cocktails running through his system. On the way back home, he listened to both girls telling him he was better off without ‘Bitchard Hendricks’. That a sweet guy like him deserved the moon and the stars instead of the scraps of attention Richard barely afforded him. In his heightened state, Jared was inclined to agree.

When they arrived back at his condo, he brewed a pot of coffee. The sweet sound of laughter echoed through the usually empty space. Their whispered words just for the two of them. He knew in that moment that he wasn’t taking this further tonight, even if he was more than capable of wooing both ladies into bed. He was enjoying their company too much to tarnish this night with sweat and regret.

“What’s so funny ladies?” Jared settled between them on the couch, placing the two coffee cups on the table in front of them. That’s when he noticed the framed photo in Amy’s hands, clearly the source of the hushed whispers from moments before. It was the photo from Techcrunch Disrupt, when Jared had gone from feeling utterly useless all day to hugging Richard on stage in front of lord knows how many people. His brilliance on display for the world to see. The only time Richard hadn’t flinched away from one of his hugs. Either he’d been too tired to fight him or jacked up on so much adrenaline that he hadn’t realised what was happening until it was too late. Either way, it was exactly what Jared had needed after the ordeal in the shipping container.

He noticed Olivia and Amy both pointing at Gilfoyle and Erlich respectively, having clearly interrupted a debate between them both.

“If Donnie is seriously hung up on that guy, I’m going to be severely disappointed in him. I mean look at him!”

“Yes but look how far away your guy is standing from him, there’s no way.”

Jared cleared his throat, a smile playing on his lips at the mere suggestion he would be hung up on Gilfoyle or Erlich. He considered them close friends but the thought of anything more than that was disconcerting. He pointed to Richard on the photo, giving both women a sheepish smile.

“Okay that makes way more sense. I bet he’s pretty awkward right? And I guess he is pretty cute.” Olivia said, poking Jared’s side gently. “In an asshole who doesn’t deserve happiness kind of way obviously.”

They continued like that for a while. Chatting like old friends. Jared no longer focusing on the negatives of Richard, reflecting instead on his many assets, unable to help himself. He also learnt that Amy had a daughter. Her fears of being a bad mother gently eased by Jared’s kind words. Olivia owned a boutique, the way she spoke of her business filling Jared with admiration. Both women were fascinating making Jared pleased with his choice of bar that night.

Before long both women were resting their heads on his shoulders a feeling of peace settling through the room as they drifted to sleep. He allowed himself a moment to relish in the quiet, finding his own eyes blinking against the light. Before he knew it, for the first time in a long time, he was in a surprisingly dreamless sleep.

A knock at the door woke him with a start, cringing when he realised, he’d knocked the girls awake in his haste. Guilt instantly flooded him as they sleepily rubbed their eyes, Jared quickly untangling himself to find the source of the knocking.

“Who on Earth… I apologise ladies, please excuse me.” Jared said over his shoulder, still trying to jolt a fraction of his usual energy into himself. _Always appear at your bes_ t, he thought to himself, something his social worker told him whenever he met potential families, never truly being his best leading to disastrous results.

When he opened the door to reveal Richard, his blood ran cold. He looked just like the puppy his first foster family had, the one he’d been allergic to which had been a deal breaker for that home, all wide eyed and skittish. Something had gone wrong, just like Jared had suspected it would. The dream was over.

He vaguely registered saying something about having company. His panic struck eyes locked with Olivia’s briefly. Thankfully she knew what to do, giggling a little too loudly, Amy catching on a moment later and joining in. Jared could see the jealousy underlying in Richard’s frantic gaze, distracted for a moment by the sweet lilting of laughter. _Good_ , he thought, _he deserves a taste of his own medicine._

Jared knew he couldn’t give an inch. Couldn’t let Richard draw him back in, couldn’t keep chasing feelings that would never be reciprocated. This had to be the final straw. For once Richard’s eyes barely left his. Clearly making a conscious effort to maintain eye contact. It made it that much harder not to fall back in, not to sweep him up into his arms and press their lips together, an urge he fought almost daily. An urge that was harder and harder to ignore.

 _Stay strong Donald. An admittance of guilt is not an apology. You can’t keep running back whenever Richard admits he was wrong._ Even so, in the few hours without him, Jared had done nothing but think of the man at his doorstep. Of those eyes. Those skittish movements. Those lips quirking up into a smile as he cracked a rare joke that wasn’t at Jared’s own expense. As quickly as he had arrived, Richard was gone, leaving Jared alone in the doorway to stare at the empty space he’d left behind.

He returned inside, eyes still glazed and unfocused. Jared barely noticed the girls approaching him, wrapping their arms around him to comfort him once more. It never took long for him to forgive those who hurt him but with Richard it felt different. It didn’t feel like desperately clinging on to a family that didn’t want him. “I don’t know what to do.” His voice felt small, engulfed by the arms of two kind strangers whose advice hadn’t led him astray yet that morning.

Olivia pulled back from the hug, her hand staying anchored onto his arm once more. A comforting squeeze sent a jolt up his spine, his mind already made up before the girls even had a chance to help him figure it out. “You know what you have to do sweetie. We can’t help with this one.”

He shouldn’t be driving, knows that in his gut. However for once in his life, Jared Dunn wasn’t making decisions based on sound advice and careful calculations. He was following his heart. Which in Jared’s case meant jumping behind the wheel while only ninety percent sober.

It didn’t take long for him to catch up to Richard, calling his name through the open window. He handed over the letter and then there he was. Sitting in his passenger seat, looking as beautiful as he ever did, even with the heightened stress and obvious lack of sleep. Working for Pied Piper once more meant once again adhering to his excellently detailed sexual harassment policy, once again having to bury those feelings for Richard deep down. It was okay though. For the next few hours at least, they were together again. Two boys against the world.

“Lordy lordy look who’s forty?” Richard’s words pulled him from his distraction, reaching for the letter before Richard could read on to see his hopes and desires for the future, of a future spouse and triplets. Before he could see the words, _Richard is proud of you and the love you have for each other is enough._

“I need to get over to Melcher’s office, but I guess you need to get back to the condo?” Richard asked, getting flustered when Jared gave him a confused look. “You know because of the, uh the… company? Where did you even meet them anyway, the uh, the girls?”

Jared let out an amused chuckle at that, setting course for Melcher’s offices. “Richard. Are you jealous?” Maybe Jared was a little bit tipsier than he thought but it was worth it for the blush Richard was wearing at the question. “I kid of course. I met Olivia and Amy at a bar last night. They offered to drink with me. Lovely girls. Amy is getting her Masters whilst raising a beautiful daughter and Olivia owns a lovely little boutique. We should get Monica a gift from there, her birthday’s coming up right?” His question was met with silence and an expectant glance, clearly not the information Richard had been hinting for. “We weren’t intimate if that’s what you’re asking Richard.”

“Jesus Jared, I didn’t- That’s great though.” Even if he’d never admit it, Jared could read the relief in Richard’s features. The smile refused to leave Jared’s lips as he fixed his eyes on the road, trading pleasantries with Richard once more. He’d lasted a good five hours at least this time but who was he really kidding? Why did he think that he could ever let Richard go?


End file.
